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April 26th, 2007 at 16:29

Product: Ultrex Contact Grill, $19.99

Almost As Historical As A Star Wars Movie

In 1215 a nation stood in crisis. The first Earl of Sandwich had turned against His Majesty King John and spearheaded a rebellion that caused the beginnings of the industrial revolution. Drunk with power, the Earl had used the magic books of Merlin to grow to an incredible size and managed to enslave the left half of Scotland as well as a little tiny chunk of Wales, leading to a drop in the potato mines and a shortage of shepherd’s pie through all of Europe. With no other choice, King John summoned a maverick Spaniard with a Cardinal’s ring and an industrialist’s heart to bring about the one thing that could stop the mad enchanted Earl: an advance in technology.

Today, Woot offers you a chance to benefit from this sordid past by presenting a scale model of the very item used to save the world from Galactus-like domination: The Ultrex Contact Grill with Removable Drip Tray. The ready light lets you know when the grill is heated, just as the Swiss Guard prepared the coals centuries ago. The non-stick pieces allow for easy clean up, in the same way the little bits of grilled Earl were swept from the warm ridges in the setting autumn sun. And the removable drip tray gives you the option of catching drips to keep things neat and tidy, just as a delegation sent by the Russian Tzar Tzomaz Tze Tzird stood watch below the clockwork, sweeping the cobblestones as the Earl twisted and screamed for the fifty eight hours it took him to die.

The Ultrex Contact Grill with Removable Drip Tray is a piece of history, making it as easy for you to relive the events that began the long process of man’s journey to the moon as it is to make a Toasted Peanut Butter and Creme Egg On Pumpernickel*. Order one today and free yourself from the tyranny of the cold lunch.

* – Woot refuses to take any responsibility when you try to make this and the entire kitchen goes up in delicious caramel flames

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