binary girl: the secret blog

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shh!

a year later

February 12th, 2015 at 21:38

It’s been a year since Jennifer died. I can hardly believe it — I remember that time in the typical way, where it feels simultaneously like it just happened, and that it was a lifetime ago. I remember crying at work nearly daily and trying to be not obvious about it, and feeling guilty that I couldn’t compartmentalize better. I remember promising myself that I would do better for my kids than I was, and I did circle back to that memory repeatedly in order to be more patient and try to be a better mom. I remember her funeral and her casket, impossibly small.

I have nothing deep to say about this. I might have said this before, but as I get older, I am more and more overwhelmed by the tragedy I’ve experienced, or that has affected people I hold close. It’s nearly staggering when I start to add it up in my head — how much has happened, and I’m not even 40 yet. It makes me look at, and appreciate, the experiences people who are twice my age have had, and wonder how they can stand up under the weight of that loss.

Jennifer Lynn, forever 6, we remember you.

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