binary girl: the secret blog




February 12th, 2014 at 10:07

Jennifer was given 9 months when she was diagnosed with DIPG in October. I saw her, doing well, in late November.

She passed away this morning. Barely three months later.

I can’t stop crying. I had compartmentalized well over the last few weeks when I knew she was declining but now I can’t stop thinking about things like how it must feel to hold your baby and watch them take their last breath, and how it’s so unnatural and completely the horrendous opposite of holding them when they are first born.

I had this bizarre conversation with Max this morning, before I knew about Jennifer’s passing. He woke up and I went in and he said, “I want to talk to you alone in my room for a little bit.” I cuddled down next to him and replied, “Okay, what about?” “About people.” “What kind of people?” And he said, “People who died.” And I asked him what he wanted to know, and he wanted to know why people died, so I explained that our bodies slowly stop working the right way, but that it usually takes a long time for that to happen. His question literally came out of nowhere.

On the way to school I asked him some questions about his dreams and I’m not sure if I was leading but he said he dreamed about my friend who was old like me, not old like Katie, and had long hair, and was happy.

I held the kids tight this morning. I hate feeling lucky because someone else is suffering.

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