binary girl: the secret blog



batkid and jlk

November 15th, 2013 at 15:56

Today, San Francisco banded together to help make the dreams of a 5yo with leukemia (in remission) come true, by turning itself into Gotham City (the SF Chronicle even printed a special edition) and having the little guy in question solve crimes as BatKid. (Make A Wish foundation rocks!) In the meantime, the 6yo daughter of one of my friends, JLK, was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor on her birthday at the end of last month. Her mom has been talking to Make A Wish, too, since she was given 1-2 years. (cue my crying, just typing that)

I’m pretty sure that the universe is conspiring to turn me from a who-gives-a-crap (aka agnostic) to an atheist, because … really? At the same time, holy crap, we live a completely amazing part of the country and I’m so, so happy that so many people around me are capable of banding together for this guy to make his day super special.

Anyone who knows me knows I love kids to a ridiculous degree — my coworker, when she was going on maternity leave, said that I love babies more than anyone she knows. I LOVE BABIES in a non-threating but totally adoring way that would not make you feel worried at all if you happened to walk by me with a baby (but know that I will crane my head around to see that baby and compliment some part of said baby because babies are magic). I have the natural stupid parent tendency, now, that every other parent has: see child tragedy, IMMEDIATELY imagine said tragedy happening to whatever child of mine is closest in age to tragedy (or go back in time and imagine tragedy happening to both kids of mine back when they were that age), live quick-fast-forward-movie in my head of how we all handled it, become wracked with woe, and feel the need to drink. So, of course, I’ve been doing those things constantly recently, paired with some terrible news about another mom friend (breast cancer, mastectomy/treatment/remission, cancer comes back, has spread to her bones, fuck fuck fuck) which has left me going WHY IS IT that so much shit happens to so many people?

I’m starting to develop anxiety about things that never bothered me before. I think about the world and suddenly FREAK THE FUCK OUT that it’s going to be so irreparably harmed by the things that we do that our kids (the entire generation of preschoolers) will have nothing/will struggle. I’ve stopped eating meat as much as possible as a side-effect of this, because factory farming just completely disgusts me on literally every level. (If you give me humanely raised/slaughtered foods, I’ll eat them.) I worry about recycling, global warming, bullying, the situation of the economy, physical ailments, in ways that are much more keenly pointed now: not for me, but my kids. Is our house in a place where we’d be okay in an earthquake? Do we have enough in the pantry so they kids would be fed? Can we afford X if one of us loses our job? What about both of us? Blah blah blah, the worries are constant. It’s TIRING so I spend a lot of time shoving them all down as much as I can.

Since hearing about JLK last month, I’ve been slowing down a LOT with the kids and the hub. Watching the kids in class, keenly observing their faces when they talk to me, letting them do silly things when I might otherwise be in a rush; listening to Brandon and making sure I am present when we’re talking about anything, even if it’s small. It’s all a big crap shoot, and the worst anxiety that I have is that I’ll miss it if I don’t pay attention.

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